Thursday, March 27, 2008
Indifference
Tonight I went to the highlight of Georgia State University's multicultural compentency conference which was an evening with Professor Elie Wiesel. He gave a talk on building a moral society and hope. The main flag that he waved was "The opposite of Love is not Hate. It is indifference." While I know Elie was speaking about the indifference to wars and genocide and racism, I was extremely quick to generalize this nasty indifference to other things as well. An experience with one of my roommates and her friend made me realize, that I cannot so easily generalize this indifference to all situations. For the past several months I have been living with several different girls. Some come and some go. One, an individual who I used to consider a friend stayed. I have reached out and tried oh so very hard to be a friend. But I simply will not surround myself with people who I know do NOT want to be the people that they can and should be. I believe that if you treat a person as what he is, then he will stay as he is. But if you treat a person as what they ought to be and should be, then they will become what they ought to be and should be. I know that I expect nothing different from my friends as it applies to me as well. I would want them to have the same mindset about me. Its a hard thing to actually 'give up' on someone. For some strange and outlandish reason, I felt as though it was my responsiblity to support this person, and to be consistent with this person. I know now that I myself am not able to do it. I am no longer willing to do it. I do not have a wish or desire to see this person be anything. Its hard having your good will constantly thrown back in your face. So to say that I hate this person does not seem strong enough to do the feelings justice. I don't hate this person. I don't feel as though I have the energy anymore to actively dislike or inversely actively support this person. And although I know it would shame Dr. Wiesel... I am indifferent.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Learning at Zaxby's
My Dad called me two days ago, and was convinced that I had strep after a mere two minutes of conversation with me. I mumbled that I would be fine and would go to the campus clinic if things really got out of control but that I couldn't think about my health right now because I had to study for a test. He told me to call my grandparents house when I got a chance because it was papa's birthday. I usually try to wait until the end of the day before I call my grandparents because they looooooooove to talk. Which I love.. but... I had a test. Anyway, I called and papa was already at work. Grandma asked about my voice and I told her it probably sounded cracked and strep-ridden because of the poor cell phone signal. Anyway, turns out Papa's birthday was two days BEFORE the day I called. Daaaaaaaaad. Geez.
So I felt like a huge jerk. She also mentioned that Papa really liked the card that he had gotten from me. Double Jerk. She went on and on about how she missed me, and how I needed to make a trip 'home' to Tennessee. I said that I wanted to, but I was just so busy with school, and the early detection practicum, and planning for graduate school, and reading extra articles for classes just be-frickin-cause.
Cut to Zaxby's. I tell Tucker that I really want chick-fil-a and he reminds me that its Sunday. Dag. He suggests Zaxby's instead. Tucker's roomate had gone to Zaxby's a few weekends before hand, knew where one was (there aren't any in down/midtown atlanta), and he and his girlfriend decided to tag along. I was a bit wary because Tucker and I had found directions to Zaxby's on google maps before, followed them, and ended up in the ultra ghetto. There was no Zaxby's in this ghetto. Google led us to a half-way house. So instead of having Zaxby's, we ate at Long John Silver's... which was also in the ultra ghetto. AHHHHHH. Mistake. Just to briefly describe, I felt this overwhelming sense of power distance between Tucker and I and the LJS resturant folk. I also felt outrageously guilty for some reason. All I could think was " I have to stay in school, I have to keep going, I MUST enunciate every syllable that comes from my mouth. Acutally, I'm going to go home and read all of my books. In one night. Period." It was an...experience. Anyways, we all pile into Tucker's Mazda and make our way to Zaxby's. Lately, I've been having panic attacks when invidivuals repeat themselves incessantly or make the same remarks at different times. I thought I would pass out if I heard one more fucking word about the Tom-Tom that was supposed to direct us to the resturant. Tom-Tom this and Tom-Tom that. The cheap navigational device was a gift Tucker's roomate had given his girlfriend for christmas. She actually never drives on the highway... or drives in more than two extremely small towns... so obviously it was a gift for himself. I digress.)
While in Zaxby's we get into a conversation about school and future plans. I LOVE school. There, I said it. I love to learn and explore everything about... everything. So much so, that I sometimes find it difficult to relate to people who don't love to learn. I mean, why not? Am I wrong? What's so damn wrong about wanting to be a smarter person? Damn. I found myself extremely defensive when one of the four stated " Well, I don't really care if I get anything out of the class. I would rather get a good grade than learn the material." WHAT!!?!?! or " The only reason i'll get my master's is to make more money" AHHHHHH! I really tried not to say anything rude or come off as a bitchy-know-it-all, but I was straight up, like, offended. How could you not want the knowledge? How could you not embrace it? Should I introduce you to the people at LJS?
Now, before I continue, Tucker is always jumping on me about how there are 'different strokes for different folks' and ' To each his own' and blah blah blah. I really am trying to be sensitive to the individual differences that people have in regards to their lives and future plans. Vive la differerance.
I bit down hard on my fries when one of the four mentioned that psychology wasn't really necessary to take or understand if you were going to be a teacher. I passed out a little and refrianed from telling them that I thought that it was vital for people to understand themselves, the world around them, and how they interact with it. Which I think is pretty friggin necessary and if nothing else is an improvement over ignorance.
The whole point is that last week, after the phone conversation with grandma, and after the zaxby's, I realized that I felt so different. I'm interested in human behavior and the many constructs that we as humans, create to explain the world. Im interested in how each person has their own critical lens with which they view the world and with which the construct their own realities. I want to help. I want to actively participate in shaping my own reality. I want to learn. I want to have a deep understanding of as many things as possible. I mean, I don't want to learn soley for the sake of having a huge database of content knowledge, but I want to use that knowledge to be a part of something bigger than myself.
There is just something inside of me, that is hungry. Something inside of me that will stay the course. And this is why I let the cough go for days, or sign up for 6 hours at the Autism walk and consequently can't make it to Tennessee for Spring break. There is just something inside of me that won't sit down.
And I realized at that lunch, that my passion for knowledge made me feel different and out of place. I felt so stifled, like it wasn't okay for me to want more. I was shocked that there wasn't more ambition sitting at that Zaxby's table. I felt like some were just going through the motions. Why settle?! Why just do something, just to do it?I felt like some were just being in college because "that's what you do after highschool". I was upset that there wasn't more passion sitting at that table. I couldn't understand not wanting to be actively engaged in research over the summer or doing an internship, and wanting to work a minimun wage job that had absolutely nothing to do with my future or current efforts instead. To me, thats NOT 'doing something'. I can't understand how it isn't clear to people that I feel like I'm going backwards if I'm not learning something new. Sure, I get bogged down sometimes with work and bite off more than I can chew, but If I'm going to fall, I fall forward. I get such a sense of accomplishment when I challenge myself and am successful. I would be so dissapointed if I didn't pursue my passion and ambition for higher learning. And I can't help but feel dissapointed for those who don't or plan not to.
So I felt like a huge jerk. She also mentioned that Papa really liked the card that he had gotten from me. Double Jerk. She went on and on about how she missed me, and how I needed to make a trip 'home' to Tennessee. I said that I wanted to, but I was just so busy with school, and the early detection practicum, and planning for graduate school, and reading extra articles for classes just be-frickin-cause.
Cut to Zaxby's. I tell Tucker that I really want chick-fil-a and he reminds me that its Sunday. Dag. He suggests Zaxby's instead. Tucker's roomate had gone to Zaxby's a few weekends before hand, knew where one was (there aren't any in down/midtown atlanta), and he and his girlfriend decided to tag along. I was a bit wary because Tucker and I had found directions to Zaxby's on google maps before, followed them, and ended up in the ultra ghetto. There was no Zaxby's in this ghetto. Google led us to a half-way house. So instead of having Zaxby's, we ate at Long John Silver's... which was also in the ultra ghetto. AHHHHHH. Mistake. Just to briefly describe, I felt this overwhelming sense of power distance between Tucker and I and the LJS resturant folk. I also felt outrageously guilty for some reason. All I could think was " I have to stay in school, I have to keep going, I MUST enunciate every syllable that comes from my mouth. Acutally, I'm going to go home and read all of my books. In one night. Period." It was an...experience. Anyways, we all pile into Tucker's Mazda and make our way to Zaxby's. Lately, I've been having panic attacks when invidivuals repeat themselves incessantly or make the same remarks at different times. I thought I would pass out if I heard one more fucking word about the Tom-Tom that was supposed to direct us to the resturant. Tom-Tom this and Tom-Tom that. The cheap navigational device was a gift Tucker's roomate had given his girlfriend for christmas. She actually never drives on the highway... or drives in more than two extremely small towns... so obviously it was a gift for himself. I digress.)
While in Zaxby's we get into a conversation about school and future plans. I LOVE school. There, I said it. I love to learn and explore everything about... everything. So much so, that I sometimes find it difficult to relate to people who don't love to learn. I mean, why not? Am I wrong? What's so damn wrong about wanting to be a smarter person? Damn. I found myself extremely defensive when one of the four stated " Well, I don't really care if I get anything out of the class. I would rather get a good grade than learn the material." WHAT!!?!?! or " The only reason i'll get my master's is to make more money" AHHHHHH! I really tried not to say anything rude or come off as a bitchy-know-it-all, but I was straight up, like, offended. How could you not want the knowledge? How could you not embrace it? Should I introduce you to the people at LJS?
Now, before I continue, Tucker is always jumping on me about how there are 'different strokes for different folks' and ' To each his own' and blah blah blah. I really am trying to be sensitive to the individual differences that people have in regards to their lives and future plans. Vive la differerance.
I bit down hard on my fries when one of the four mentioned that psychology wasn't really necessary to take or understand if you were going to be a teacher. I passed out a little and refrianed from telling them that I thought that it was vital for people to understand themselves, the world around them, and how they interact with it. Which I think is pretty friggin necessary and if nothing else is an improvement over ignorance.
The whole point is that last week, after the phone conversation with grandma, and after the zaxby's, I realized that I felt so different. I'm interested in human behavior and the many constructs that we as humans, create to explain the world. Im interested in how each person has their own critical lens with which they view the world and with which the construct their own realities. I want to help. I want to actively participate in shaping my own reality. I want to learn. I want to have a deep understanding of as many things as possible. I mean, I don't want to learn soley for the sake of having a huge database of content knowledge, but I want to use that knowledge to be a part of something bigger than myself.
There is just something inside of me, that is hungry. Something inside of me that will stay the course. And this is why I let the cough go for days, or sign up for 6 hours at the Autism walk and consequently can't make it to Tennessee for Spring break. There is just something inside of me that won't sit down.
And I realized at that lunch, that my passion for knowledge made me feel different and out of place. I felt so stifled, like it wasn't okay for me to want more. I was shocked that there wasn't more ambition sitting at that Zaxby's table. I felt like some were just going through the motions. Why settle?! Why just do something, just to do it?I felt like some were just being in college because "that's what you do after highschool". I was upset that there wasn't more passion sitting at that table. I couldn't understand not wanting to be actively engaged in research over the summer or doing an internship, and wanting to work a minimun wage job that had absolutely nothing to do with my future or current efforts instead. To me, thats NOT 'doing something'. I can't understand how it isn't clear to people that I feel like I'm going backwards if I'm not learning something new. Sure, I get bogged down sometimes with work and bite off more than I can chew, but If I'm going to fall, I fall forward. I get such a sense of accomplishment when I challenge myself and am successful. I would be so dissapointed if I didn't pursue my passion and ambition for higher learning. And I can't help but feel dissapointed for those who don't or plan not to.
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