Growing up...Maybe?

In Elementary school, I used to play in the drain down the street that led to the neighborhood's retention pond. My german friend Brenda from Oklahoma and I would cut up worms with sticks, put ants in the cuts, and sew them back up. I guess we thought that the worm would survive and would produce worm/ant spawn and then we would be credited with the discovery. I used to watch alot of Jeff Corwin on the Disney Channel. Or we would play 'territory' in the street with some of the other kids, and when we got 'caught' by being tagged in the other team's 'territory', we would go to pretend jail and morph into Rapunzel and make my brother risk getting tagged to come and save us. Then I decided that we should try playing territory on rollerblades, and shit got real. Anyway, I just remember being so engrossed in these activities that I sometimes felt this weird sense of derealization when the street lights came on and it was time to go inside. Suddenly the world changed. This also happened with books as well. I had this series called the 'Mandie' books and I think there were close to 50 of them. I read allllllll of them. I felt like I was watching a movie or show when I read, and when I had to put the book down, it literally felt like I was putting the VCR on pause until I could come back from the dinner table and pick it back up again.

Anyway, the point is, is that, more and more, I feel as though the street lights are coming on, but this time when I come back outside the next day, I have to ge a grown up. I'm not sure what this place is. I mean, I don't feel like I'm dying or anything, but I feel like my world is on the verge of changing, and I can't figure out what activity it was that I was so engrossed in. There was some 'book' that was occupying my time, and I had to put it down, and I can't find the book. Even if I could find the 'book', I don't think I would know what chapter I was on. Seems, these days, that I am constructing a new reality for myself as I go along. Mabye that's what happens when you actually have to start thinking about what you're going to be when you 'grow up', what you want to do, what things you are willing to represent, ascribe to, and support. I've been pouring over career options and research opportunities and as it turns out, it's a pretty intense process. I've been finding out about myself, and discovering MY interests. Its hard to know what you're interested in, because you aren't sure if you're interested in it because someone told you that you would be good at it, or because it's something that you actually want to do. Its just like, when you think you remember putting cheetos in your Dad's shoe and eating them while singing the abc's, but really, you just know because you've watched the home video 10000 times. Differentiating between this junk is hard. Its growing up. Although, it could just be that I am busy on an ungodly level with school and the research practicum, and the internships and can't get much sleep because the floors in my townhouse are really thin and I can hear every step my roomates make.

Its growing up. Its like, maybe I should have taken care of my dog better and taken him on more walks when I was 7 or whatever. ( But I was so afraid of him!) Its like, " Wow, I like my brother and sister. They are cooler than you, and I love them alot." Its growing up, when I spent 6 dollars( I am pooooooor) the mail my sister some medicine and a package of her favorite highlighters, because she was sick and stressed out about an upcoming test. Its growing up, when I'll cry more than my parents when my brother moves to Pennsylvania or Florida to go play soccer, because we used to sit and watch Franklin ( The kids show) and eat hot wings, and joke on my Mom and Dad, or because we used to ride bikes out to this pond and fish until wayyyy past the 'street light' curfew. Its growing up when you defend your brother, no matter what crazy shit he does, because you know him, and love him, and know that he IS going to be the person that he has the potential to be, despite what the school says. Its growing up when you choose your profession based on the issues that he deals with (ODD, ADHD), so that other kids have a different experience. Its growing up, when I call my parents just to talk and laugh and joke and discuss, and they think my opinion is interesting, and they're proud of me, and I'm proud of them, and I see how my experiences with them shaped the critical lens with which I view the world. Its growing up, when Im stronger, wiser, better and I've made it.

I watched the Di Vinci code this past weekend with Tucker and ended up having the most freaky dream ever. I can't remember all of the details, but I can remember waking Tucker up and asking him to get me some gatorade and sing me a song because I couldn't shake the reality of the dream. And this heffer sang me the shortest song ever, the teapot song, and rolled over. Well, he did get me some gatorade though.