Growing up...Maybe?

In Elementary school, I used to play in the drain down the street that led to the neighborhood's retention pond. My german friend Brenda from Oklahoma and I would cut up worms with sticks, put ants in the cuts, and sew them back up. I guess we thought that the worm would survive and would produce worm/ant spawn and then we would be credited with the discovery. I used to watch alot of Jeff Corwin on the Disney Channel. Or we would play 'territory' in the street with some of the other kids, and when we got 'caught' by being tagged in the other team's 'territory', we would go to pretend jail and morph into Rapunzel and make my brother risk getting tagged to come and save us. Then I decided that we should try playing territory on rollerblades, and shit got real. Anyway, I just remember being so engrossed in these activities that I sometimes felt this weird sense of derealization when the street lights came on and it was time to go inside. Suddenly the world changed. This also happened with books as well. I had this series called the 'Mandie' books and I think there were close to 50 of them. I read allllllll of them. I felt like I was watching a movie or show when I read, and when I had to put the book down, it literally felt like I was putting the VCR on pause until I could come back from the dinner table and pick it back up again.

Anyway, the point is, is that, more and more, I feel as though the street lights are coming on, but this time when I come back outside the next day, I have to ge a grown up. I'm not sure what this place is. I mean, I don't feel like I'm dying or anything, but I feel like my world is on the verge of changing, and I can't figure out what activity it was that I was so engrossed in. There was some 'book' that was occupying my time, and I had to put it down, and I can't find the book. Even if I could find the 'book', I don't think I would know what chapter I was on. Seems, these days, that I am constructing a new reality for myself as I go along. Mabye that's what happens when you actually have to start thinking about what you're going to be when you 'grow up', what you want to do, what things you are willing to represent, ascribe to, and support. I've been pouring over career options and research opportunities and as it turns out, it's a pretty intense process. I've been finding out about myself, and discovering MY interests. Its hard to know what you're interested in, because you aren't sure if you're interested in it because someone told you that you would be good at it, or because it's something that you actually want to do. Its just like, when you think you remember putting cheetos in your Dad's shoe and eating them while singing the abc's, but really, you just know because you've watched the home video 10000 times. Differentiating between this junk is hard. Its growing up. Although, it could just be that I am busy on an ungodly level with school and the research practicum, and the internships and can't get much sleep because the floors in my townhouse are really thin and I can hear every step my roomates make.

Its growing up. Its like, maybe I should have taken care of my dog better and taken him on more walks when I was 7 or whatever. ( But I was so afraid of him!) Its like, " Wow, I like my brother and sister. They are cooler than you, and I love them alot." Its growing up, when I spent 6 dollars( I am pooooooor) the mail my sister some medicine and a package of her favorite highlighters, because she was sick and stressed out about an upcoming test. Its growing up, when I'll cry more than my parents when my brother moves to Pennsylvania or Florida to go play soccer, because we used to sit and watch Franklin ( The kids show) and eat hot wings, and joke on my Mom and Dad, or because we used to ride bikes out to this pond and fish until wayyyy past the 'street light' curfew. Its growing up when you defend your brother, no matter what crazy shit he does, because you know him, and love him, and know that he IS going to be the person that he has the potential to be, despite what the school says. Its growing up when you choose your profession based on the issues that he deals with (ODD, ADHD), so that other kids have a different experience. Its growing up, when I call my parents just to talk and laugh and joke and discuss, and they think my opinion is interesting, and they're proud of me, and I'm proud of them, and I see how my experiences with them shaped the critical lens with which I view the world. Its growing up, when Im stronger, wiser, better and I've made it.

I watched the Di Vinci code this past weekend with Tucker and ended up having the most freaky dream ever. I can't remember all of the details, but I can remember waking Tucker up and asking him to get me some gatorade and sing me a song because I couldn't shake the reality of the dream. And this heffer sang me the shortest song ever, the teapot song, and rolled over. Well, he did get me some gatorade though.

" Well they done got me hyped then"

Sometimes I abhor riding the Turner Field shuttle to school. To explain, I have to drive on the traffic ridden highway past the school, park at the Turner Field blue lot, and then taekwando my way onto the bus when one finally comes to pick us up and then drop us off on campus. If I get on the bus, I may have to stand and hold the roof railing which is about 200 feet off of the ground and pulls my arm out of is precious little socket. But If I'm "Lucky" I'll get to sit down. " Lucky" because I usually end up sitting next to some funkbox with stank breath, stank flip flops with foot juice running off of them that sends a stench through the bus at each turn, a clankity clank texting problem, a farting problem, or the WORST.. a booming voice shouting into a cell phone reciever about a trip to the gyno or how they " beat that heffers triffilin' ass". All of this aside, riding this abomination helps me save about $600 a semester in parking, so I do it, and I get over it, and I make myself proud.

Today was a standing day. I was lugging three honka jonka text books purchased with one of my arms at the books store, whose line spilled out on to piedmont road.( Its cool, God thought it fit to grace me with a spare arm, and it was this extension with which I held onto the roof railing) I was exausted from the Autism lab and class and was praying that I would miss traffic. I was standing in front of this girl who seemed sort of familiar, but I never say anything to people like that because I mean, what if they don't remember me, or.... its not them, or I only dreamed that I knew them. That would be... awkward. So I didn't say anything. She kept looking at this african american boy's magazine who was sitting two people down from her. Obama was on the cover and she asked him if she could see it. He obliged her and passed it down. Then he says

AA Boy: " You voting fuh him?"

AA Girl: " Not necessarily, but I juss wanna get up on who all is running so when someone wins, I know why they won. I mean.... I prolly won't even vote. What's the point?"

My Face: Uhhhhhhh?

AA Boy: " I mean... I'm not voting fuh him juss cuz hes black... you know what I'm sayin'? Cuz I mean, juss cuz he black don't mean he's gonna change thangs."

AA Girl: " So who are you going for?"

AA Boy: " Shoot, Hillary son! Shes got all of Bill's Ideas and hes supporting her and I mean... Bill was the first black Prez anyway.. you feel me? I mean, she's the only one who seems real, shes going around the the hood and kissin black babies and what not, and I mean... shes gonna help us out. I can guarantee you every black person on this bus is gonna vote fuh her."

My Face: ...

AA Girl: " You know thats all just hype right? Its all for show"

AA Boy/ Raging idiot: " Well, hell... they done got me hyped then. Shitttttttt"


When I got off of the bus I RAN. Just to make sure that I was alive and everything.

And that... Is why I am loathed to ride the shuttle.